Remus's Misadventures in Kittensitting
by Shinigami's Demon
Summary: A story of Sirius, Remus, and an unexpected threat to Remus's health. What happens when Remus is left alone all afternoon to watch Sirius's new pet?
1. Chapter 1

Summary: This is the first fic I am publishing on this site. It was published elsewhere but the site crashed and lost it. It's a cute little story involving Sirius, Remus, and an unexpected threat to Remus's health. For some reason I've never seen Remus as a cat person. I also see him as having long and articulate, if not always sensible thoughts. Fluffiness will no doubt ensue.

Chapter One:

Remus glared. Anyone who knew Remus Lupin knew this was an unusual activity. After all, Remus--under normal circumstances--did not glare. Well, except at Sirius--but that was a special case.

No. One could say quite clearly and concisely that Remus Lupin did not glare under most circumstances, and certainly not this one.

He was, however, sitting at the kitchen table staring quite evilly at what he had mentally dubbed as "The Menace."

The Menace has taken residence in his and Sirius's London flat a grand total of two weeks ago when it had dragged up on the back porch and charmed his way into Sirius's heart. Remus hadn't had a moment's peace since. It would just sit there on the couch plotting his eventual demise... Okay, maybe not. But it was still plotting, Remus was sure. He wasn't being paranoid in the slightest.

Okay, sure it looked all fluffy and innocent and kitten-like, but Remus knew better. No, behind those yellowish-green eyes were the devil himself. Sirius had tried to convince him that the wolf-side of him must have done something to his personality because no one could outright _hate_ a kitten. Okay, maybe his exact words were...

"But, Moony! He's so cute and little and fluffy! How could you hate this face! Is this the face of evil?"

No, Remus mused, idly. That face would belong to one Sirius Orion Black; after all, there was no other logical explanation behind the puppy-dog pout except pure unadulterated dark magic. He refused to believe otherwise. Okay, so maybe the giant, tear-filled look he got in those big blue eyes of his had a little bit to do with it, but only a little bit. Really.

At this point in the conversation, the demonic fuzz-ball decided to mew pitifully and painfully. This, of course, only sent Sirius into puppy-dog pout DEFCON level four. Remus never stood a chance. He didn't think Severus Snape would have stood a chance!

Snapping back to the present, Remus heard Sirius's loud uneven footsteps tromping down the stairs into the living room. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw the black-haired man pluck the malevolent entity known as a kitten up off of the couch and place it on his shoulder. He loped from the living room to the kitchen, where Remus was currently writing a letter to McGonagall.

The longhaired, ex-convict looked over Remus's shoulder, placing the feline on the table in the process. It promptly began to attack the werewolf's quill.

Remus sighed and ran a hand through his heavily graying brown hair.

"Is there any particular reason you and Lucifer's feline spawn have deemed to drop in and completely destroy my concentration?"

"Yep!" Sirius stated all too perkily for Remus's taste. He seemed not to notice nor care that his precious tuxedo kitten was tracking paw-prints all over the table. "I'm going over to Harry and Ginny's place for awhile. Ginny and her bridesmaids are picking out the dresses today and have decided that Harry and the groomsmen should pick out their tuxes as well. I, of course, already having dress robes which--only due to twelve years in prison a.k.a. Hell--"

"That where you found this creature?" Remus muttered removing the litany of fluff and evil from his parchment. Sirius glanced down only slightly perturbed. However, this caused his to lose his train of thought for the moment.

"Am I able to still fit into..." he blinked. "What was I saying? Oh, yes, I'm going for moral support, of course. Can't leave Harry, Ron, and the boys alone all afternoon to be harpy-pecked all afternoon, you know?"

Remus raised an eyebrow and smiled dryly. "Because heaven knows, if anyone is there salvation its you. You do know that you'll probably be more meddlesome in this affair than any of the girls there?" Sirius ignored him this time, preferring to pick up the black and white pile of evil he referred to as a pet.

"I left some cat food in the cabinet under the sink. Don't forget to feed Stalker, okay? He's gotten all of the rats in the area already, little angel," he scratched Stalker behind the ears. Remus, in the meanwhile, had dropped his quill and gone into shock.

"What?" he croaked. "You are not seriously--don't even think of that pun, Padfoot--thinking of leaving me alone all afternoon with that monstrous creation from the ninth circle of--"

"Remus! He's a perfectly normal, nice kitten. Besides, you don't expect me to take him to the gathering do you? He'd get tangled up in bows and lost in a sea of unpronounceable fabrics!"

"That's not such a bad thing," Remus muttered. Sirius then gave a glare that reminded him somewhat of Professor McGonagall, and he decided not to try his luck.

He looked down at Stalker and blinked. The bloody cat was smirking at him! Normal kittens--not even Marauder-raised kittens--not even Slytherin-raised kittens--smirked! Okay, so maybe Sirius smirked in his dog-form, but this was too creepy!

"Look, Moony," Sirius said gently. "I know that you are not the biggest cat-person in the world--that's an understatement really, I know. But Stalker is just a kitten: a good, sweet, innocent, harmless kitten. Okay, I'll admit he's a bit mischievous, but so am I and you still keep me around," he smiled. "You on the other hand are a fully-grown, lycanthropic, Defense expert. Pardon me, if I don't worry for your physical health in this matter."

"It's not my physical health I'm worried about," Remus told no one in particular. He looked up at Sirius and realized this was the wrong thing to say.

If Sirius looked like McGonagall before, he know held a strong resemblance to Molly Weasley reprimanding one of her children. Remus bit back a grin, as he imagined a frizzy-haired, apron-wearing Sirius.

"Look here, Moony. I don't know what it is about Stalker that has you scared out of your wits but frankly I don't care. You are the one who's always telling me t act my age. I never thought I'd be the one to say the same to you! He is a harmless kitten Remus, and you are watching him and feeding him while I am gone. Got it?"

Remus nodded dumbly, as Sirius took a handful of Floo Powder and threw it in the fireplace. He called out the address, but just before stepping in looked back to his friend with a pleading look on his face.

"Please, Moony. Can't you do it just this once? Just this one thing for me?" That look could have sent the now dead Dark Lord to his knees. Remus sighed once again and nodded.

"All right, Sirius, but just once, okay?" Sirius smiled brilliantly and nodded.

"Sure, moony, no problem! See you in a little while!" And with that the dog Animagus disappeared into the fireplace.

Remus looked down at the innocuous kitten on the table. It was all of four and half pounds of pure fluff.

It couldn't be this hard could it?

The kitten looked up at him with its soft green eyes wide as they could go...and it smirked.

But then again, it did learn from Sirius.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: If I didn't make this clear enough the first time, this is definitely AU. I just don't have the heart, will, or desire to kill Sirius off... As for the kitten, they really do smirk. I taught mine how to and I figured that Sirius would do the same.

Remus's Misadventures In Kitten-sitting: Part Two

Remus sat at the table staring at the kitten. The oversized dust-bunny from Hades stared back. Remus glared. Stalker glared back. Remus glared his most evil, werewolf-ish glare...and broke his quill. The Demon Fuzz-ball had the audacity to smirk.

Remus then referred to Stalker as something that cannot be written in a K-rated (possibly even an M-rated) fan-fic on this or any site. The kitten now bore the look of a two year old that was about to run and tell on him to Mummy...or in this case Sirius.

"That's stupid," Remus chided himself aloud. "He couldn't tell Sirius, even if understood what I was saying. Could you?" he added smugly to the kitten.

Now if Stalker had genuinely blessed with the gift of communication, he would have said something to the effect of: "You want to bet, Wolf-boy?" Or at least that's what Remus thought. But it was just his imagination, right? I mean Stalker was just a normal kitten...an evil, smirking, smarmy kitten that would probably drive him to the St. Mungo's mental ward (if Sirius didn't do that first), but it was still just a kitten. Right?

Apparently not. As soon as Remus had any thoughts of Stalker's theoretical innocence, the feline embodiment of the Devil leapt from the table, knocking Remus's cup of tea over in the process. Not only did this ruin one of Remus's favorite beverages, it also effectively destroyed the letter he had been writing to his former Transfiguration professor.

Stalker, politely positioning himself on the floor, looked up at Remus with the most innocent look he could muster...which was actually quite innocent looking really. But after all these years of Sirius, Remus wasn't about to fall for that one.

He quirked an eyebrow and looked down at the feline Marauder. "If I didn't know better," he said dryly, "I'd say you did that on purpose."

"Good thing you don't know better, then, now isn't it?" Stalker thought. Or at least that's what Remus thought he thought. Oh, Merlin, this kitten was making him delusional!

Unfortunately, while he was dwelling on these thoughts, Stalker lived up to his name and quietly crept from the room. By the time Remus snapped out of his self-argument, the Hell-kitten had completely disappeared from view.

"Oh, bloody--" His 'musings' were cut off by the sound of a thundering crash coming from the living room. Ready to pull out both his hair and wand, just to get it over with, Remus skulked into the other room. He stifled a groan as he saw the damage.

Stalker had successfully toppled over an entire pile of Defense books that he had been alphabetizing. The entire floor was now covered in wrinkled and ripped paged tomes that he now would need to sort through and organize all over again.

Stalker looked up at him ever so innocently. "Well, aren't you cute," Remus mocked. "I'd hate for you to be 'accidentally' killed in a freak book accident."

"I know I'm cute. I'd hate to die." Remus held at his ears furiously. This kitten was severely messing with his head. If he didn't know better he'd say that this was some Death Eater from the war brought back to torment him! Then again, he had doubts that even Sirius's "mummy-dearest" would be this cruel.

Whether or not this was stress talking or the kitten somehow telepathically communicating with him, Remus no longer cared. All he knew was that he had to get through the rest of the afternoon with both himself and the possessed kitten from the ninth circle alive.

Because Remus had a feeling that if Stalker were to suddenly disappear into, say the woods around Remus's old flat or the Forbidden Forest (or perhaps a four foot deep hole he had dug in one of them), that Sirius would be highly put out. And frankly having Sirius suddenly morph into an irate Molly Weasley was an experience he only wanted to have once in his life.

Now if he could just make sure that this job didn't kill him before the day was over...

By the time he snapped out of these thoughts, however, Stalker had once again disappeared. Cursing himself for not hearing it (he was a werewolf, darn it!), he realized that the kitten was nowhere to be seen whatsoever. Instead of a feeling of supreme relief, though, all Remus felt was extreme terror.

The feline-child of Lucifer and Lillith was alone in the house. Remus stood up slowly from his crouch, to prevent a sneak-attack if need be. He quickly took in the room again, hoping to have missed something. He didn't. Stalker had once again disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Sorry that I haven't been able to update sooner. It's been a bit crazy around here, and I haven't had the chance. So without further ado, I present chapter three.

_Thud!_

Remus swore. The noise had come from the kitchen. Stalking (as it were) into the room, Remus was torn between laughing and crying.

The two-month-old feline had managed to scale the counter, knock over a bag of baking flour, and was proceeding to roll around in said substance. When Remus had entered the kitchen, Stalker looked up at him with the guiltiest look Remus had ever seen (excluding James, Sirius, and Peter). His green eyes grew to the size of saucers. Now it was Remus's turn to smirk.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" he drawled. The satanic kitten gave its most charming mew. Remus, to be blunt, wasn't buying it. He ambled over to the mess and drew his wand. Muttering a cleaning spell, he barely noticed when Stalker snuck from his view and made his way to the stairwell.

Using his tiny claws to brace him, he quickly hopped up each step at a time. Having finally reached the top, he realized that the yellow-eyed, not quite human was looking up at him bemusedly. He made a break for it.

Remus blinked. That was it. This cat had to have made some kind of demonic pact to be that fast. He pulled himself up the stairs quickly (well at least as quickly as he was willing to move for this fuzz-ball's sake). He looked both ways down the hall, hoping to see the kitten there, but to no avail. He sighed: at least half of the doors upstairs were slightly ajar.

_"Might as well start with the bedrooms,"_ he thought. He went to Sirius's room first, knowing that even if it weren't attracted to the room for his master's scent, he would be for its numerous hiding places. Despite Remus's best efforts, Sirius was still nearly as messy as he was in school.

This was proven once Remus opened the door. Sirius's clothing was divided in piles scattered across the floor along with shoes, motorcycle parts, and various magical do-dads that Remus didn't know (and probably didn't want to know) the function of.

Looking carefully for anything resembling a moving pile of clothing (or perhaps a basket with legs), Remus made his way into the room. He thanked his lucky stars that muggles had created a spray strong enough to mask what would no doubt be the terrible smell of his best friend's room. Remus loved Padfoot like a brother but he did have a tendency to smell like wet dog.

Stalker hid under the bed watching as the werewolf's feet paced the floors. The kitten strongly resisted the urge to jump out and attack his swaying shoelaces. Now was not the time for play, he reminded himself: now was the time for hiding. But the temptation was proving too much for the small kitten...

With a ferocious yowl--well as ferocious a yowl as a four-pound kitten could produce, Stalker darted from under the bed and attacked the stringy creatures, which were following his master's roommate.

Remus looked down with a bemused smile. After all, it wasn't everyday that a four-pound dust bunny viciously attacked one's feet... Well, actually, considering that this was Sirius's room, it might be. So rephrasing that: it wasn't everyday that a four-pound dust bunny attacked Remus's feet.

He, of course, recognized the overgrown lint ball as Stalker, but it was admittedly quite difficult. The normally black and white--and slightly gray, after the flour incident--was covered in lint balls, bits of paper, and what appeared to be Dog Hair as shed by Padfoot.

Lifting his foot off of the ground, Remus detached the feline from his trainer and held it up by the scruff of its neck. Raising it up to eye level, the lycanthrope realized that the kitten had finally given up on the innocent act and was now settling on glaring at him.

"Ah, Padfoot has taught you well, oh little demonic one," Remus intoned. Stalker swiped out angrily with his paw, missing Remus's nose by a good eight inches. The former professor may not have been excellent with cats, but he knew better than to hold one with claws up to his face. "Now, Stalker, what would Sirius think if he found out his little feline angel scratched his best friend in the face. Now," he stated as he drew out his wand, "you are a mess. _Scourgify!"_

Much to Stalker's dismay, the lovely mess he had worked so hard on creating was now swept off of him into thin air.

Remus chuckled at the cat's confused expression. He took a good look around his fellow Marauder's room and made a decision. Pointing his wand at several piles of clothes, he chanted. "Scourgify!" The clothes, though still wrinkled were now clean at least.

He continued this all over the room, Stalker dangling from one hand his wand held in the other, until it was finally clean enough to reach up to the Remus J. Lupin Standard of Cleanliness. Taking Stalker with him, Remus shut the door to Padfoot's room and continued shutting doors until every room in the house except the living room and kitchen were out of Stalker's reach.

Once he reached the living room, Remus unceremoniously dropped the kitten on the floor. He himself dragged over to the couch and with a loud yawn flopped down. This, he reminded himself, is why I don't need children.

Stalker was curled up in the middle of the floor sulking. That stupid human--well not human, his nose told him--ruined all his fun! And then he dared to go sit down and that couch and ignore him! Stalker did _not_ like being ignored!

Still he had to admit, it did look rather comfortable. And there was a big spot in the middle of the man's back that looked like it would be the perfect place for a nap... Tossing aside his pride in a truly kitten-like fashion, Stalker trotted over to the side of the sofa and leapt onto the brown-haired man's back..

Remus didn't quite know what to think when the kitten jumped on his back. He was torn between screaming bloody murder at it and just reaching up and tossing it off. However, he was too tired to do either. Anyway, for once it wasn't causing any real harm, so there was no reason to evict it just yet. He winced lightly when the kitten's claws went in his back. He paid it no mind though, as he knew it only meant that he was finally settling down. He had to admit, even though it was a Demonic Feline from the Ninth Circle of Hades, it did make a nice warm spot on his back...

------------------------

When Sirius arrived home that evening, he didn't quite know what to expect. Part of him expected either one of them to have killed the other or to find one of them tied to a sturdy object. How a kitten could tie a rope without opposable thumbs was beyond Sirius, but if a kitten could do it, he was sure Stalker could.

What he did not expect, however was Remus sound asleep on the couch with Stalker dozing on his back. It took all the will power and dignity he had left in his body to keep from squealing like a first year Hufflepuff girl. This was officially the cutest thing Sirius had seen since a one-year-old Harry had gotten hold of Lily's wand and given James pigtails.

Summoning a blanket from the hall closet, he threw it over the napping pair, careful not to wake either one. Smiling, he snuck up to his room as quietly as he could. That is until he saw what had happened to it...

"Remus! What in Merlin's name did you do to my room?"

Done on the couch, two sets of eyes opened with a start. Remus gulped, threw the blanket off and ran.

Stalker adjusted back down in the blanket, closed his eyes...and smirked.

THE END


End file.
